What Could Possibly Go Wrong. . . by Jeremy Clarkson

Author:Jeremy Clarkson [Clarkson, Jeremy]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 9781405919388
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2014-09-24T23:00:00+00:00

The wife’s away, so come check out my electric extremity

Mercedes-Benz ML 350 BlueTec 4Matic Sport

We refer often in the Clarkson household to people we call ‘winners’. It’s easy to spot one. He’s a man, he has a Montblanc pen and he enjoys playing golf almost as much as he enjoys talking about it, especially to those who aren’t interested.

The winner has great hair, thick forearms, a smattering of jewellery and a handshake that could squeeze juice from a tree. He works in marketing, knows what Ebitda means and speaks in a rich, deep voice to demonstrate to everyone within earshot that if his life had taken a different course and he’d ended up in a rock band, he’d have had no need on stage for a length of hosepipe in his trousers. The winner walks with a swagger because not only does he know he has a big package. He knows that we know it, too.

At least once a week the winner leaves what he calls ‘the wife’ at home so he can meet up with his mates for what they all call ‘a few jars’. Mostly this is a competition to see who can order the most idiotic cocktail in the deepest voice, and who’s got the most preposterous credit card.

Naturally the winner is very interested in what he wears, what watch he chooses – that’ll be a Rolex – and, most important of all, what sort of car he drives. Some would suggest he has an Audi, and it’s true: many winners do. But, actually, what he wants most of all is any car with a boot lid that opens and closes electrically.

You and I both know that a boot lid that opens when you press a button on the key fob is monumentally stupid because it means we have to stand in the wind and the rain, waiting for an electric motor to do in half an hour what we could have achieved in about one second.

The winner, though, is not bothered about practicalities. It’s why he still uses a fountain pen rather than a biro. So he’s perfectly happy to stand around waiting for his boot lid to open. Hell. People can see him. They know they’re looking at a man whose life is so complete, he has an electrically opening boot lid. Occasionally, when he catches a girl looking at his tailgate rising, the winner will wink at her. He knows she’ll be OK with that. Because he knows that she knows that an electric boot lid is yet another sign his manhood is gigantic.

On that basis the winner will be jolly interested in the new Mercedes M-class, not only because of the electric boot lid but also because of the sheer length of its name. It’s the – deep breath – Mercedes-Benz ML 350 BlueTec 4Matic Sport. Get yer chops around that one, love.

There are other things he will enjoy, too. The climate-controlled cupholders, the in-car internet access, the Harman/Kardon Logic 7 Dolby digital 5.

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